Wednesday 10/5/11- Thinking Back.
I was thinking back on some times that have damaged my self-esteem. Of course looking and sounding so different than everyone else at school was traumatic at times. Well.. ALL the time! But I’m thinking specifics. Things that just shock your system so bad you can’t recover.
Well, I found one.
When I was about 12 or so I had a huge crush on this older boy in school. He was light skinned with silky curly hair. Very cute. What I call “pretty boy” now. Anyway. I think his dad was trying to get up on my mom. So that summer we spent some time with his family. We stayed with the guy’s sister and her family. Well, of course- oh and his older brother? That was FINE! he was like 20 something, so.. Yeah. Not likely to happen. But that’s another story!
Anyway!! When school started up again I was all happy and bragging to my “friends” about being at his house and shit. Telling these lil baby bitches how much I like him and shit. Well.. These lil bastards call over to the table he was sitting at in the cafeteria (we were in line in front of the table.) telling him I like him.. Basically TEASING him in front of every one.. And then he said it. I’ll never forget it long as I live.
“Man, I don’t like that ugly girl!”
And he said it out LOUD! In a crowded cafeteria. Being already unpopular as I was, this didn’t help. There was just this roar of laughter and my self image was shot to shit FOREVER. Though I don’t want him anymore, that really stuck with me. From that point on I was the “ugly girl”. In my mind EVERYTHING about me was just so WRONG. My hair, my body, my FACE! Everything was just WRONG! I can’t take a complement seriously. Because I just don’t believe it. I figure there is going to be some joke behind it, or the person just wants something from me and figures that’s how to get it. (Guys, mostly fall into this category.) I have such a fear of rejection that I never had Amy real relationships before I got married. I have a hard time starting- or CONTINUING real friendships. The fear that they are just going to hurt me or betray me is just too great. Makes me kinda distant at times. I mean I’m always overly nice, but never really close. No one may even notice. I don’t know. But there is a lot of pain in this old heart. I’m sure it must show. Or maybe I’m so good at burying my feelings and putting on this mask that it DOESN’T show. In the end, it doesn’t matter.
As an adult I know I clean up pretty good. I may weigh too much, but I look pretty good for my weight. My hair isn’t silky, but it is pretty. Yes, my face is very full, but it’s not UGLY. Just fat. :p I’m a pretty good person. I’m no saint, but ad long as you don’t try to fuck over me I’ll help you all I can. The problem with burying feelings is eventually you get to a point where it’s hard to care about people. You’re so FULL of pain. That there is no room for anyone. Everything becomes grey and dull and rotten inside your soul. Sorry. That was an awful thing to say. But this is a journal of self discovery. Not just for hair, but for whole soul. Whole SELF. You can’t accept your hair if you accept nothing else. RESOLUTION is the key. You’re not just hair. You’re a whole being. That’s why yes this blog is called “AfroCurls”, but I talk about more than my hair. Maybe some of my ramblings will actually help someone out there. Maybe not. But either way, here it is.
And there WILL be more. 🙂
11:11 Make a CHANGE!