Friday 9/23/11- “Like A NORMAL Person”? WTF?!

Friday 9/23/11- “Like A NORMAL Person”? WTF?!

Now I’m always telling y’all about the comments I get from other black folks when it comes to natural hair. Well, I think I can top ALL that with a comment from am older WHITE man! And you all know white folks can take the cake when it comes to racial matters. (Or ANY matter actually!)

Anyway, he finally noticed I’d taken my locs down. And he was like “I see you finally cut those ugly (oh YES he DID!) dreadlocks off.” I was like “WHAT? My dreads were NOT ugly. I just wanted my hair loose for awhile.” TRYING to not SNAP cause he’s always been (pretty) cool. Then he goes “Like a NORMAL person.” Y’all I was TOO through with his ass right then. I LOVE locks and encourage ANYONE to get them if they want to. It is really a life changing thing. I don’t think I’d be so strong in my LOOSE natural journey if I hadn’t gone through my LOC journey. I gained so much wisdom in those years. So I can’t see WHY he’d say they are so ugly? Maybe it’s just old. To be fair, most old BLACK people don’t like locs either. And he wasn’t against natural HAIR. Just locs. (See all this wisdom? Just 6 years ago- no. Just THREE years ago, I would have cussed that old bastard to every name the Lord would let my lips FORM! But today, I know it’s just really not worth it, nor is it productive. Some stuff you just have to ignore. Think of all the terrible things DH- a person who LOVES me- have said about my hair, my weight, my personality. And he’s still standing. So I think I can ignore a comment from a coworker. πŸ™‚

However, I did have to keep telling myself “He’s old.. He just lost his wife.. At least he’s opening up to people again.. Don’t kill him. ” LoL! It was one of those “Breathe Jen. Just breathe.”

Anyway. I have to work tomorrow, so I guess that pushes wash day to Sunday- IF I don’t have to work SUNDAY! We are so far behind. And a QUICK wash is not gonna happen. Man, I saw KNOTS in my fro today! I mean actual, multi strand knots- BALLS!! Well ONE ball. Still. It was a big ass knot! Loose hair isn’t like my locs or a perm. If I couldn’t was it this week it would last another week. Hell TWO weeks if it had to! This hair will matte up and be a detangling NIGHTMARE! I COULD do it before bed I guess. That’s better than the alternative- NOT washing it this week. I spent 41 hours picking my locs out, I’m not trying to RE-LOC just yet! LoL! (Yes.. It took 41 hours to undo 42 or 43 locs.. If I had did the last 9 it would have been FIFTY-ONE PLUS!! I kinda wish I’d picked the last 9 out. It was worth it, but fatigue and impatience got the better of me!)

Anyway. I’m still rocking this puff. I can definitely see why it is a staple style for so many naturals. And don’t think you can’t wear one because of a full face. It totally works. Just don’t push it too far back until it fills out more. You need something to offset the fullness a LITTLE. Like a little distraction. Or at least I do! LoL! But, yeah. We can wear our hair back a little. πŸ™‚

I have more time today, as DH had to come in early so I had to come with. (The old one car blues.) I didn’t feel like getting in early, so here I sit. Just chillin’. πŸ™‚ I don’t mind. But it’s time for some searching. Well, maybe not searching. I have nothing prepared to write down. Maybe random thoughts is a better way to put it. Sometimes those lead to revelations as well. (This may or may not be hair issues. Feel free to slide at any time. Thanks for reading so far, though. πŸ™‚ )

I remember my first “ah ha” moment. I was in school. I was maybe about 12. And I was thinking about how mean people are to me- other kids. How different and awkward I was. How different my FAMILY was. How left out and alone I felt. And out of nowhere. LITERALLY nowhere! This thought came to me. That everyone. EVERYONE!! Was just like me. They had feelings, they got scared.. Happy. Their feelings got hurt.. They felt pain. They felt love. And they were all existing. Right now. Going about life. Just like me. And not just every ONE, but every THING. And I felt connected. To everything. To everyone. Friend or enemy. And this came to me at 12.. On the bus.. On my way to school. I never told anyone, but the feeling lingered for a long time. That was my first full circle empathic moment. As an adult we tend to forget that others are the same as we are. Sure, some people will do what’s right and some won’t, but we are all the same at the core. We all have the same base feelings. Emotions.

I’ve had many empathic moments. And at first it was so hard on me. I would just be sitting and start crying. Once- or maybe many times- my mom would see me just crying. And she’d ask me what was wrong. Sometimes I’d say nothing. Just teen hormones. But once I opened up and told her. “Why do we keep killing each other? Wars, violence, murders.. Why? They just keep hurting each other.” I was feeling the pain of the WORLD! Well, she said I couldn’t do anything about that, so don’t cry about it. God will fix everything in his own time. That didn’t help. All that made me wonder was why didn’t God just get rid of the ones who were doing the evil deeds. Just stop the wars, the violence. MAKE everyone care!

It took a long.. LONG time to be able to just tune it out. At first I was able to only do it if I don’t watch the news. Now I think I’ve pushed it too far because I am mean to people now. I mean, they have ASKED for it for the most part. I always feel bad afterwards, but I will SNAP! But more so. I don’t feel for the world like I use to. For example. Recently there was a story about a woman who killed her newborn twins. Now, normally I’ll at LEAST get angry. And in retrospect, I wanna punch that bitch in the back of the HEAD. But. I just have lost a lot of my passion for people. I care a lot less than I should. And that’s not how I want to live my life.

I work with people every single day who care for NO one but self. And when I tell them not to be like that. They say no one cares about THEM, so why should they care about anyone else? How do you fight that? What do you say? Are you supposed to say ANYTHING?! Is that just the way it is now? Just accept it? I don’t want to become one of those people. I want to keep my compassion. I have to do better or how can I tell others to? BE the change you want to SEE.

Now, I don’t want to be that emo ass person I was as a teen, but I do need to reconnect. Sometimes I do for a second. I’ll have times where everything looks shiny, bright and new. Then I’ll see something ugly and it’s all shot to shit. I’m not sure how I will change. I’ve seen so much. So much bad. Evil. Hatred.. And seen it idolized. It’s gonna take a lot of work. But being the natural Buddhist at heart that I am, I believe I’ll find a way. πŸ™‚

Ok… That’s all the deep shit for now. :p

11:11 (google it!)

Jen πŸ˜€

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